Welcome to the Outer Reaches of La La Land

Greetings Everyone,

I am a writer of – preferably fiction – and hope to entertain people with my strange and exotic creations. So let me know if the entertainment is malfunctioning – I will do what I can to fix it.

If you feel the need to offer a suggestion, try to be specific. Comments like “I found it confusing . . .” don’t help nearly as much as comments like – “You should have said . . . ” Examples give me a much better idea of what others like and what would make them feel more comfortable reading my stories.

I am also an artist, a sample of my orignal work is posted above, as well as on the meet my art post. I’ve been told I should write comics, but so far have been wary of pouring too much effort into projects that might not yeld results.

My interest in non-fiction usually involves animal facts, as it’s hard to find human interest stories that are nearly as bizarre, but they are out there. (SSShh -I am currently hunting Bohemians.) I don’t much care for inspirational pieces – as they all seem to do the exact opposite. I tried to remedy this by writing my own, but a friend advised that I should market them to horror fans instead.

I am an armchair explorer and not ashamed of it. I’ve traveled a little but prefer to do research, as I am unable to pay for trips long enough to satisfy my curiosity.

Other authors may kill characters off. I prefer very often to kill them on. I like art that shocks me. I like creatively monstrous creatures. I like things that used to scare me as a child. I like ruins. I like mystery. I like adventure. I like cheering for the underdogs. I jump the gun. I eat the garnish. Life is too short to waste it on the straight and narrow. I wanted to walk all the paths  but they wouldn’t let me so I go nowhere, and like it.

I long to be the one who looks

when others look away.

I long to be the one who stands

outside at the close of day.

I long to be the wolf in sheep’s clothing

the lion beside the lamb.

I long to be the iron roots

tearing up through the roads of man.

I long to be a force primeval,

the sea from which one is saved.

I long to be winds out of the west,

mother nature unpaved.

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More Bohemians At Large!!!

It wasen’t easy, but somehow I’ve managed to scrounge up some more of my favorite people.

THE GRAFFITI ARTIST

In the museum of on it? They made their choice!

   Amongst the baggers and taggers of our streets, a very special kind of punk does roam. He is does not concern himself with the crudely scrawled genitalia of lesser men, oh no, he is a graffiti artist.

Imitation is the surest form of vandalism.

With aerosol cans shaken and ready he sets out to conquer his urban canvas – etching out visions of little green men and claw snapping hipster lizards. Quickly his arms race across the walls – completing in mere minutes a masterpiece that is soon to fade beneath the chicken scratch of jealous philistines. Like his work he to will vanish, quickly as he appeared, in a cacophony of color.

If one was to catch him by his capacious pants, and look him in the eye, would there be a face at which to shake one’s finger? Or merely the deeper shadows of his hoodie? Perhaps, but first you must catch him.

He went this through this door, officier, I swear!

   THE PROFESSIONAL MERMAID

Will, be a mermaid, for money.

All it takes to be a werewolf is a lost razor and a hygiene problem, all it takes to be a wizard is a beard and a book of spells, all it takes to be a pirate is a little copyright infringement, and all it takes to be a vampire is a strong stomach and a complete lack of shame. To be a mermaid however, requires the hard work and dedication of a true professional.

They may not be the fastest fish in the sea but they are a joy to watch, dawning their unique hand crafted scale mail to brave the waves.

Few can comprehend the courage it takes to plunge oneself into open water with naught but a ridiculous outfit standing between wild nature and tender human fiddly bits.

Once there stood a submarine theater in San Marcos Texas where these elusive creatures could perform in safety, but with the days of Aquarena Springs long gone and the whereabouts of Ralph, the swimming pig, uncertain, the mermaids of the world have swam south, perhaps to greener pastures in Australia’s colorful reefs, or perhaps they have gone west – to seek a contract with Disney.

Whatever the case I shall miss you, you strange semi-aquatic entrepreneurs. I wish you luck upon your long journey to wherever that may be – follow the tuna to never land, and send me a pair of long seaweed stockings when your get there.

BILLBORD LIBERATORS

If you love your billbord. Set it free. If comes back to you, it’s yours. If it dosn’t, it was never meant to be.

  Just when society thought it was safe, to flaunt its various discrepancies to the disillusioned masses. These guys crawled out of those very masses.

Before they intervened, our public spaces were enslaved to the almighty dollar, forced to cower behind the obvious lies of the man.

Now a light has been shined, through all the glamour and hype – a door that can never be closed. “We too, can make signs!” scream the people – “but we’d rather fool with yours!”

Now that liquor conglomerate falters before pouring its single malt into that vaguely phallic bottle, and ruthlessly edits its ads in search of ambiguous, four-letter words. More often than not, that drilling company won’t even try to apologize for the spill, knowing how easily it all rhymes with fish kill.

Authorities warn businesses to be mindful of suggestive imagery – small, easy to reach, text, and pickles that can possibly be painted brown. They have also issued a formal Ad-visory for the following products; Smuckers jam, Schlitz and Pabst beers, S & M family outlets, and Blimpie subs. Target of course, has proven to be an obvious – well, you know.

Failing to comply with the Ad-visory can have devastating consequences. Their latest insurrection dealt a grievous blow to a beloved fast food franchise, who had refused to take the threat seriously. Now we all how easy it is to super size a clown.

DISCLAIMER

I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone that these activities are a crime.

Perpetrators can face up to a week in jail and have their poetic licenses revoked.