It wasen’t easy, but somehow I’ve managed to scrounge up some more of my favorite people.

THE GRAFFITI ARTIST

   Amongst the baggers and taggers of our streets, a very special kind of punk does roam. He is does not concern himself with the crudely scrawled genitalia of lesser men, oh no, he is a graffiti artist.

With aerosol cans shaken and ready he sets out to conquer his urban canvas – etching out visions of little green men and claw snapping hipster lizards. Quickly his arms race across the walls – completing in mere minutes a masterpiece that is soon to fade beneath the chicken scratch of jealous philistines. Like his work he to will vanish, quickly as he appeared, in a cacophony of color.

If one was to catch him by his capacious pants, and look him in the eye, would there be a face at which to shake one’s finger? Or merely the deeper shadows of his hoodie? Perhaps, but first you must catch him.

   THE PROFESSIONAL MERMAID

All it takes to be a werewolf is a lost razor and a hygiene problem, all it takes to be a wizard is a beard and a book of spells, all it takes to be a pirate is a little copyright infringement, and all it takes to be a vampire is a strong stomach and a complete lack of shame. To be a mermaid however, requires the hard work and dedication of a true professional.

They may not be the fastest fish in the sea but they are a joy to watch, dawning their unique hand crafted scale mail to brave the waves.

Few can comprehend the courage it takes to plunge oneself into open water with naught but a ridiculous outfit standing between wild nature and tender human fiddly bits.

Once there stood a submarine theater in San Marcos Texas where these elusive creatures could perform in safety, but with the days of Aquarena Springs long gone and the whereabouts of Ralph, the swimming pig, uncertain, the mermaids of the world have swam south, perhaps to greener pastures in Australia’s colorful reefs, or perhaps they have gone west – to seek a contract with Disney.

Whatever the case I shall miss you, you strange semi-aquatic entrepreneurs. I wish you luck upon your long journey to wherever that may be – follow the tuna to never land, and send me a pair of long seaweed stockings when your get there.

BILLBORD LIBERATORS

  Just when society thought it was safe, to flaunt its various discrepancies to the disillusioned masses. These guys crawled out of those very masses.

Before they intervened, our public spaces were enslaved to the almighty dollar, forced to cower behind the obvious lies of the man.

Now a light has been shined, through all the glamour and hype – a door that can never be closed. “We too, can make signs!” scream the people – “but we’d rather fool with yours!”

Now that liquor conglomerate falters before pouring its single malt into that vaguely phallic bottle, and ruthlessly edits its ads in search of ambiguous, four-letter words. More often than not, that drilling company won’t even try to apologize for the spill, knowing how easily it all rhymes with fish kill.

Authorities warn businesses to be mindful of suggestive imagery – small, easy to reach, text, and pickles that can possibly be painted brown. They have also issued a formal Ad-visory for the following products; Smuckers jam, Schlitz and Pabst beers, S & M family outlets, and Blimpie subs. Target of course, has proven to be an obvious – well, you know.

Failing to comply with the Ad-visory can have devastating consequences. Their latest insurrection dealt a grievous blow to a beloved fast food franchise, who had refused to take the threat seriously. Now we all how easy it is to super size a clown.

DISCLAIMER

I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone that these activities are a crime.

Perpetrators can face up to a week in jail and have their poetic licenses revoked.